I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
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Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
can I use a minion as a tampon
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
drew a comic about my origin story
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.