I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
honey, bring out the fine china.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.