I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.