I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Taking phone security to the next level.
Well, that should do it
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so