I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys