I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims