I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Why soy sad?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.