Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

LOL

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH