I love people with self awareness, so yes I hate 98% of you.
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
u spoke cat all this time??????
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily