Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection