Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise