Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy