I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.