@AnkCoupleTO

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

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@fro_vo

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

@UncleDuke1969

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

@Playing_Dad

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.

@kevinjrr

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

@Cpin42

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

@FeelingEuphoric

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

@notfaizzy

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

@matt___nelson

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*