I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
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*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Friends that check up on you >
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
dads on road-trips be like
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.