I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
You Might Also Like
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?