I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake