I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.