I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
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The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.