I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I think the cat got the dog high.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions