I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
You Might Also Like
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
yall want some gasoline milk
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
i can’t wait that long
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.