I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.