I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
You Might Also Like
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.