Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Hard not to take this personally
Things will get butter, keep churning
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Yes, but it was never about money
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.