Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

Did my cat write this

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

How to properly lift a body