i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
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Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
worst…sale…ever
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I have never related to anyone more.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.