i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!