i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
This a good idea
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad