Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

How do you milk an almond?

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.