I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Breaking news:
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever