I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
How it started How it’s going
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich