[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.
You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo’s inside.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*
•10% what happens to you
•90% how you react to it
•25% poor math skills
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*