@TheWoodenslurpy: I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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@Black__Elvis: My gf said all I do is sit on the couch in my underwear all day but that's bullshit, I've never been able to fit my underwear onto my couch.
@plethoricjake: As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. "Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door"
@buhsbaby_baby: You know what I'd like for Christmas, mom? I'd like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I'd like some money and some new socks.
@iamspacegirl: KING SOLOMON: I shall cut it in two, half for each of you. WOMAN: sure ME: OH GOD NO! KING SOLOMON: ok this is clearly your meatball sub.