I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Fight
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic