I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.