Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.