Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.