I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™