I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket