I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.