I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.