I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
You Might Also Like
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.