I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
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Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.