I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
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[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right