i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
You Might Also Like
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”