i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
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My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
