Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…