I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
✌️
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
