I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Buck naked
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
🐿️
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
