I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
a New Yorker reject, for you
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
A flock of dads is called a grill.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
