i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
You don’t even know
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Skills
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.