Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

Strange

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.