i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
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You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING