Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

Roombas should bark

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”