Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

Hello, my name is Pierre.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened