Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

*puts my mental health in rice

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word