I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
it must be school picture day
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
