Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker: