Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.