Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mind

You just read my mind

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit