I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
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They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Dolls on drugs
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse