Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing