I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
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This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why