Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

this was the best i’ve ever seen

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread