I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
