Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

why isn’t thunder called soundning

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11