Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

Printer ink is expensive

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme