I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
PLOT TWIST:
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Snapes on a plane.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wikigenius
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
