Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.