Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted