Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

When you put it that way… 😂

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

I hope it’s French Onion!

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped