I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar