Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.