I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]