I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
#DesignFail
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Reporter: *ports again*
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.