I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
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“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice