Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
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