I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
You Might Also Like
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.