Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

Customize Your Wedding.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.