I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
You Might Also Like
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti